Looming Father's Day

This is the third Father's day without having my dad here to celebrate with. When the first one came around in 2009, I figured that each one would get easier. It was so awful that it could only get better. I was wrong. In fact, in so many ways, each one gets harder. It's been one more year of things he missed, one more year that my children missed out, one more year of time since I saw him last. I am so grateful for him and every day I learn a little more about how lucky I was. I hear so many stories or witness so people who had less than ideal fathers to grow up with or have stories of when their dad let them down. Probably many of those people had or will have 60 less than ideal years or more of time with their dads. But my dad was nothing short of amazing for almost 28. I never could have appreciated all he was and all he did if he were still here. Because I took it all for granted in the moment. I also know that Ben is exactly the same kind of father that my dad was. As his wife, I appreciate it more than as a daughter. I will also make sure that my kids appreciate it as much as I did and more. As a daughter, I knew how important my dad was, but as a wife I am ever so much more thankful that Ben can give my children what I had. We always want more for our kids than we had for ourselves even if we had everything (which I did). It would be hard to exceed what my childhood was like. I had two amazing parents who were ever present in my life, who loved unconditionally, who were involved, who cared about where I was and who I was with, who never missed a school event, sport event, or even a family dinner. I had two parents who loved each other unconditionally and gave me an example of a marriage that I could strive to find a match with whom I could emulate it. I had parents who worked hard so I could have what I needed, but also made me work so I could learn the value of things. I had two parents who made decisions for my benefit but also trusted me enough to make some for myself. I can't even imagine a better life than the one I had. Except now I get to live it all again, but this time as one of those parents. Even though I couldn't imagine it better or couldn't imagine how to make it better, I want to try. My kids are already missing the opportunity for an Opa who would have been at every preschool party known as the goofy grandpa who was always silly and crazy, at every dance recital behind his camera taking a gazillion pictures, at every baseball game cheering the loudest, at every cheerleading exhibition after which he would make up a new crazy cheer, and every award ceremony wearing a big proud smile. An Opa who would have played on the floor with them, swung them in the air, painted and colored pictures with them for hours, danced with Alexis, thrown a ball with Max, and giggled with Maizy. He and Max would have been inseparable. They are two of a kind. Max has his hair, his short legs, sense of humor, mischievous mind, and loud laugh. But Max has no memory with which to compare himself. Oddly enough though Max talks about him often. When he draws pictures, he often includes him. And every time he mentions him in passing, I smile in amazement because I know that since his memory from when he was two months could not possibly remember him, it means I might be doing my job. Making him such a part of out lives that Maizy who never even met him will include him. For now, I just miss what they don't even know that they are missing. I had it, and I want it for them too. I know he would only make their lives better so Ben and I have to pull double duty. I only hope that in 20 something years my kids will say the same things about us that I can say about my parents. I thank my mom and my dad for giving me a gift that I can pass down to my children and hopefully my grandchildren. And the gift is knowing what an amazing parent is so that I can hopefully be that to them and for them to be one to their children. My dad often said that you will only know if you are/were a good parent by observing your grandchildren. So I hope somewhere he is watching his grandchildren and that Alexis, Max, and Maizy are showing him what an amazing parent he was.


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